Love Your Auger!

With each passing day lately I am hearing more and more folks depressed about the winter, the snow, the cold, etc.

I laugh.

You cannot do anything about the weather. If life gives you ice, you might as well go ice-fishing! Frankly, I am loving this and hope it lasts! If I quit ice-fishing the day before the spring shotgun turkey season opens, that would be perfect!

My nephew called my attention to something that was circulating on the interwebs a few weeks ago. It was an advertisement that ran up in Canada, eh. The guy’s description of his Jiffy Ice Auger reminded my nephew of someone he knew–ME!

Anyway, I got a chuckle out of it, with some minor edits here it is:

You don’t want just any ice auger, you want the best friggin auger that the gods were kind enough to bless mankind with. This Jiffy isn’t just any regular auger that drills any regular holes through ice, it drills dreams. It bonds relationships between fathers and sons (and uncles and nephews). It smells like 2-stroke gas fumes, and you know what 2-stroke gas fumes smell like?!? They smell like lifelong friendships.

This beloved hunk of metal, fashioned by Thor himself, houses a beautiful Tecumseh engine that purrs like a herd of the world’s most rare spotted leopards from the depths of the most jungly jungles known to the history books. She’s a model 76, which contrary to popular belief actually stands for the amount of hi-fives per minute you’ll be dishing out to your mates due to all of the fish you’ll be catching on every single ice-fishing adventure.

This beast of a drilling machine was once rejected by the diamond drilling industry because it was simply too powerful and actually melted diamonds during the drilling process.

You can own THAT drill!!

USER WARNING: This drill will make all of your friends look dumb!! Do NOT hang out with friends who have a low self-esteem when using this auger. They will be jealous of how well it cuts through ice like a light-saber through a stormtrooper and probably attempt to talk more about how strong the little battery is on the new electric auger their wife got them at Claire’s at KP for Christmas.

MUST HAVE HUGE ARMS TO OPERATE! In a current political climate where no one seems to be able to agree with one another or get along, cure the current epidemic of entitled softies with hard love and discipline by becoming the owner of this true marvel and heal the souls of the haters.

This thing runs on love and a 50:1 mix as accurate as one beer drinkin’ fella on a Saturday afternoon can mix it. She may need a little cleaning internally but has a brand spanking new recoil that bounces back into position promptly. Haven’t had it running in over a year, but it won’t take much more than a little fresh fuel, a few kisses and a plethora of cuss words within hearing distance of the kids to get er goin’.

Bought it for over $5,000 from a Tibetan monk who harnessed its powers to connect with the 5th dimension to battle demonic powers, but willing to let her go to the right angling wizard for the low low rate of $250 OBO plus a couple hi-fives and a couple cans of your favourite craft beers. (Craft beers NOT optional)

Actual photo that ran with advertisement.

OK, Santa Claus got me into the electric auger game a couple, three years ago, and I ain’t going back. K-Drills are excellent and I would highly recommend them!

But, I have a Jiffy and it still occupies a special place in my garage. Unlike a lot of ice anglers, I am not going to go electric and get rid of my Jiffy. That auger means too much to me, just like it did to the guy who posted that sale bill.

You see, I drilled holes by arm-strong for so long, that the day I got a Jiffy was one of the best days of my life! I loved that auger and still do.

It has seen only a little use the past couple of ice seasons, not a lot, but some. That does not keep me from going out in the garage and starting it, just to hear it run; just to smell its perfume, even in July. Every time I pull that handle and it purrs to life there are so many memories that flood my mind. So many days on the ice, so many holes drilled, so many fish caught, so much time spent with people I love. Some that I cannot spend time with on the ice anymore.

The first power auger my uncle ever owned was a Jiffy just like the one in the sale bill. Man, when we went fishing with Uncle Ivan and that power auger, we were kings of the world, well, kings of the ice at least. That auger was still hanging in my Dad’s garage when he passed a few springs ago. It still started, still ran, just like the sale bill said. The memories also exuded from it as it purred and spun.

Nope, I am not getting rid of my gas auger. I cannot.